A Mother's Day Message to My Estranged Mother

May 12, 2019

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother’s Day mom.  It has been a year and 6 months since we last spoke. The last thing you said to me was, “you are a lousy mother”. Those words cut deep, not because I believed them but because you said them to hurt me.  You actually set out to hurt me and I never really understood why.  You didn’t realize at that moment that you were my mother and that was a lousy thing to say to your own child.  When it has come to me, you seemed to always believe that I could handle your unfiltered wrath.  Ours has always been a very difficult relationship but this, for me, was the last straw.  I would like to thank you for making me a strong woman; a lot of my strength is a direct result of our relationship.  I knew that I wanted different for myself.  I knew I wanted to be financially independent. I knew I wanted a life outside of parenting.  I knew I wanted to travel and understand the world outside of my own experience.  I knew I wanted to challenge myself and remain curious about how the world works.  I knew that I wanted to marry a man who loved me even though I was always made to feel like I was unlovable.  I would never condemn you and your choices as a mother.  I know it hasn’t been easy.  I know I am not easy.  I know you have struggled to understand me.  I am different and different is challenging.  I know that I push you.  I encourage you to seek your own happiness.  I know I ask that you take responsibility for the life you have and the choices you have made.  I know that in some ways the life I have carefully crafted for myself is one you admire and on some level envy.  I want to thank you for always being there for me when the chips were down.  Pain and disappointment are old familiar friends you understand intimately so you were comfortable during those moments of my life.  I know light and joy are not and I am sorry.   I want you to know that the last thing you said and the choices you made since then have not defined or broken me.  I am in a really good place and the relationship you tried to undermine and destroy is in bloom again.  Tyler and I are learning to understand each other and are working on building a new relationship.  I will never give up on making him feel loved. I will love him without conditions.  He doesn’t have to prove he loves me, I know he does.  I respect him as a young adult trying to figure his life out. I will never let a year and six months pass without trying to reach out to him, no matter whose fault I think it is.  I want you to know I am happy but that doesn’t mean you don’t creep into my thoughts from time to time.  Your last words still stings but aren’t as painful as when they first left your mouth.  I wish I could give you my forgiveness but I haven’t grown enough yet to give it.   I will get there one day and my hope is you beat me to that finish line.  I pray that at some point you are able to reflect and dig deep to try to understand why you wanted to hurt me and once you have come to that answer feel I am worth enough to you that you are able to pick up the phone and apologize so we can make amends and start again. I love you.     

With love,

Your daughter Erica 

To my readers who struggle in their relationships with their mother, know you aren't alone.  Know it doesn't mean you have no value and are unlovable.  You are special in ways not understood by your parent and that is ok.  We aren't always born into the family we need BUT we are given a second chance with the friends we make.  

1 comment

  1. Thank you for sharing this with us. You are amazing and I’m really proud of you for writing this and for your ability to be a great mom because you are an independent person and have created a passionate lifestyle that includes the amazing experiences that your mom is so critical about
    Happy Mothers Day I hope to be as great a mom as you one day
    Love Sarah


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